Broken Corset

Several months ago, I dined with family and friends in a little Italian restaurant in San Francisco.  It was a family run establishment, with the father roaming the restaurant singing, and his somewhat irreverent daughter managing the tables.  In my ongoing quest for spirituality, I find myself often replaying moments that seem to suggest a deeper meaning or some sort of rule to live by…. perhaps applicable outside of a specific faith or cultural environment.  And somehow, the little comments the waitress was just letting roll off her tongue – some even said sarcastically, seemed to resonate with me and my constantly re-evaluated philosophy for life.

During the course of the evening she had three little comments really hit home.  First, she said, “I don’t want to be bored.”  Amen to that, was my thought.  As a stay at home mom, I find that my life alternates between the utterly mundane (where I could scream and pull my hair out from boredom) to the completely unpredictable, unforgettable, and unimaginably wonderful.  Most of the time… life at home with little ones is a rollercoaster with the latter three twists and turns.  This is what I love about it.  There are funny, stressful, and emotional moments paired up with poignant ones where I close my eyes take a deep breath and try to savor every last drip of time.  Even the terrible moments can qualify in the time I love.  I am actually glad to be the person dealing with the stress of my children, because I love them so completely, that I trust my own reaction during those times far more than anyone else’s (that even includes my spouse!)  But interspersed with the part I love is the monotony of folding laundry, cleaning bathrooms, putting away dishes, driving the car around town, and grocery shopping.  Now every job has its ups and downs, but some of the boredom that can accompany life at home is overwhelming for me in a way that working never was.  So I really identified with her first statement.  Give me screaming, tears, laughter, hugs, or arguments any day over laundry.

The next little piece of wisdom out of our waitress’s mouth was, “I want a little of the bad.”  This could easily tie into the preference for the ups and downs over the boredom of laundry, but truthfully, I related this to excitement…. To the danger and joy I felt “cruising” in high school with the music on way too loud, to a bit of the experimentation that was part of my college experience…  spur of the moment road trips, dancing all night with virtual strangers, my belly button ring (now discarded), my contemplated tattoo, and a little bit of mary jane.  And truthfully, as my mind flashed over each moment that I bucked expectations and challenged the system a bit, I smiled.  Those were some of the best moments in my life – (pre-motherhood) – and while I have no desire to return to that risk-taking lifestyle of my late teens and early twenties, I’m certainly not sorry that I took risks during that time.   I hope that those experiences help me to retain my head when my children are teenagers – and while I don’t exactly hope they repeat all of my experiences, I guess I can appreciate that those experiences were not evil and in many ways helped me to figure out exactly who I am.  I suppose that I hope for my own children that they are able to find that “little of the bad” without sinking into a quagmire of trouble… and that as I try to keep them on the good path, I will recognize that not every step into the mud is life-threatening, career ending, or college failing – that indeed many of them teach us about our character, how to find joy in the everyday and unexpected, and how to let go of expectations sometime and just enjoy the ride.

The final little piece of wisdom out of our waitress’s mouth was, “kindness is a virtue”.  I believe that she actually was being sarcastic when she said this, mocking her father’s routine around the restaurant a bit… and truthfully, I didn’t really need her to say this one, because it is something my spouse and I have discussed many times.  With all of our questioning and uncertainty, kindness is the one value that we continually come back to.  Without a doubt, it is the number one quality we hope to teach our children.  It is not so different from the Christian “love thy neighbor as thyself” – a teaching of Jesus’ that I believe can be seen in virtually every action he takes in the Bible.  Kindness to our fellow citizen basically sums up what I expect from their behavior out in the world.  It influences my political values: Is it kind to exclude others from the institution of marriage, treat your environment poorly, deny citizenship or basic services to fellow humans based on birthplace, allow the elderly or poor to experience worse healthcare than the wealthy?  My answer is unequivocally no – and I hope that someday my children understand that kindness can be a lens through which nearly all actions can be viewed, and that they conduct themselves according to a similar value system.

It’s funny where wisdom comes from.  Being “Christmas season” – I’ve been studying and reading some of the Gospels of the Bible – trying to recognize what the good teachings are behind this holiday of excess (which is funny because I don’t really consider myself a Christian!)  But there are some really great principles in those books, and Jesus himself was a pretty phenomenal teacher…  but so too can be our fellow citizen, our waitress, the wallpaper in our house (as I’ve mentioned before.)  It’s a really great time of year to reflect on spirituality, what is meaningful, and all those tiny moments that are similar to my Italian restaurant.  As we head into this crazy season, I hope you’re able to find some time for peaceful reflection…  or even just a moment to stop and reflect on something that hits you just right amongst the chaos of carols, cookies, cards, packages, social obligations . . . .  (I know, the list can be endless!)