Broken Corset

The tough capitulate.  Or, at least according to my husband, I do.  I know.  It seems like a harsh thing for him to say.  But we both laughed when he said it last night, because though he was teasing, there happens to be a lot of truth to the statement. 

Last night, as we headed to bed, I first remarked on how much I dreaded going for a run in the morning.  As I have related on this blog earlier, I recently began a fitness regimen… moving from the couch potato I have been for the majority of my life, to accomplishing a distance of 5K without stopping.  Happily, I have achieved my goal and can comfortably complete a three mile run…  And yet, with 6 months of running regularly under my belt… I am ready to throw in the towel. 

Right after telling my husband how I was struggling to find the motivation to continue running in the mornings, I also explained that I was tempted to quit blogging.  Though I have often dreamed of being a writer, I am realizing that to achieve success in a writing career, I will have to be a little more aggressive at “pushing” my material, stepping outside of the safety zone of friends and family.  And truthfully, finding the self-confidence to put myself out there is proving a bit difficult.

If I’m being completely honest, I will relate that these two areas are simply the most recent examples of my penchant for quitting.  I quit the first University I attended, though I did find a replacement.  I quit my first job out of college after two years.  I quit my second two years later.  I have quit numerous fitness routines, eating regimens, a Master’s program, several hobbies, and sadly, even a few friendships.  I am remarkably good at quitting.  (As my husband related, he takes it as a great compliment that I have not “quit” him!)

The thing is, (to use an overused metaphor) I am a little boat bobbing about in a sea of possibility.  I have trouble choosing a direction in which to paddle, because there are interesting lands in sight all around.  Thanks to the women who came before me, who had to struggle to navigate their boats through uncharted waters, I can take my life in nearly any direction I choose.  The traditional role of wife and mother (my current career path) is not the only choice available.  I can work towards an advanced degree (my most recent career path), becoming a business leader (my first career path), an educator (my second career path), a politician, a doctor or a scientist.  (Okay, so maybe my particular skill set isn’t really geared towards scientist – but you get the point).  I can wear flirty skirts and long hair or have a buzz cut and hang out in jeans.  (And yes, I’ve tried both).   I can use profanity without turning many heads and proclaim that I hate to cook (though the opposite is actually true).

Being a woman today is all about choice.  And I think that sometimes that makes it overwhelming.  And in a world of limited resources, sometimes making one choice involves a trade off, and so sometimes we quit.  Maybe we even quit a lot.  I think about my grandmother, whose father didn’t allow her to attend college, and the limited options that women in her generation had.  I bet they didn’t quit much – but I wonder how many of them were happy.  Despite a general lack of direction, I have to say that I am happy and fulfilled.  I have a great sense for who I am, what I believe, and what I want out of life… and though I haven’t finished, I have narrowed the options a bit, and feel closer to choosing the right road in the end.

Interestingly, while in general, women are still behind in terms of equality, and still struggle to reach the highest echelons in many male dominated fields, I am not sure that we don’t have more choice then men.  Men have still not broken into many of the roles traditionally held by women in great number; elementary school teacher, stay at home parent, nurse.  Yet all of these roles hold great rewards many would say far outweigh the hefty paychecks and perceived power of some male dominated fields.   (Maybe someday we will see men marching to break the glass ceiling of homemaking.) Though I wouldn’t want to suggest that the struggle for equality is over.  The glass ceiling is still intact, and while it has some cracks, I still wait anxiously for the day that it is shattered – when a woman can not only make a choice to join a traditionally male dominated profession- but she can rise to the top within the profession without being subjected to outright discrimination or the more insidious kind often found in casual office jokes.  Nonetheless, it is with great confidence that I tell my daughter she can be anything she wants to be. 

But I’m digressing from the main issue here… quitting.  I won’t quit on my fitness routine for now, because I have no interest in quitting on my personal health… though I might quit running as soon as I have a better alternative.

And I’m not quitting on the blog.  At least not yet.  When I was thinking about how to write this entry, I came across a quote from Richard Bach.  “A professional writer is an amateur who didn’t quit.”  The weird thing about the quote is that Bach wrote a book that I may have checked out from the elementary school library more than any other, Jonathan Livingston Seagull.  Jonathan Livingston Seagull was probably the closest thing I had to a hero in the fourth grade, so finding that quote from Bach was a little serendipitous.  I’m going to go ahead for now and picture Jonathan, testing the strength of his wings up ahead, and encouraging me onward in my big sea of possibility- signaling, “paddle this way – a little longer.“  But I’m reserving the option to quit, and I’m not sure it’s such a bad thing.