Broken Corset

December 5, 2010

Isn’t There Anyone Who Knows What Christmas is All About?

Filed under: Agnosticism, Civil Rights, Family, gay marriage, holidays, Homosexuality, Marriage, motherhood, politics, Religion, Sexuality, values, women — saracallow @ 9:43 pm

My title is one of my favorite quotes, from one of my favorite Christmas specials.  Good ol’ Charlie Brown – and his dilapidated tree – “all it needed was a little love” Linus tells us…  and with that line, he seems to answer the question – what is Christmas all about? Love.  Christmas is about love.  For unto us a child was born – and he came to save the world – a sign of God’s love for us.  It might possibly be one of the most beautiful stories told.

I can easily swing from the Charlie Brown story into the Christmas Song by Dave Matthews… It tells the story of Jesus in a beautifully sad tone, reminding us of the people Jesus spent time with – people who were “less than golden hearted” – and of how the world in his presence and afterward was filled with love…  “love, love is all around”.

It probably wouldn’t be fair to call myself a Christian.  But at Christmastime, I can easily become captivated by the beauty of the tale and the message of love.  And I always love the music of the season… my favorites are the more haunting pieces like What Child is This? (Greensleeves melody).

And within the Christmas story, I can’t help but think of Mary.  How scary it would be to have an angel visit you, to bear the child of God…. to travel great distances, and give birth in a manger.  Amy Grant’s Breath of Heaven gets at it… And I think of how motherhood has changed my life, and yet Mary is barely discussed.  But Mary is close to my heart this season, as is the gift of motherhood- because while she’s not at the center of Christianity, for a bit at Christmas, she’s got a starring role.  And if you are a mom, you know that being a mom is a starring role – even if it’s also often unappreciated.

Now, I want to tell you a story about another mom, and it’s a scary story too…  and if you bear with me, I’ll eventually get to how it’s all related.

Lisa Howe is about to become a mother.  A successful soccer coach at Belmont University in Tennessee, she will add motherhood to her resume beginning in May.  As ANY mom knows…  it will change her life.  If everything goes well, she will be exhausted, emotionally strung out, and probably sick a lot more for a few years.  She will also come to work with spit up or crumbs in her hair and clothes, and probably feel a need now and then to tell a few annoying stories about the baby’s first word or first steps.  Annoying of course, only to the jaded of the world… miraculous and amazing to Lisa… and wonderfully sweet to those who care about her.

Anyway, no surprise… she decided to tell her soccer team about the great expectation – I mean, you seriously can’t hide being a mom… even if you could somehow hide the pregnancy.

And that is where she ran into problems. Because as it turns out, Lisa is not carrying this sweet little being… her partner is.  And because of that fact, Lisa was fired.  Okay, so Belmont says she wasn’t fired, nor did she resign….  but apparently it was communicated that she would be fired, so she chose instead to leave.

Belmont is a Catholic University… and if you don’t know where the Catholics stand on gay marriage… well, you haven’t been paying attention.  And so Lisa, her life being out of step with Catholic values was no longer welcome.  According to a few articles, if she hadn’t left before the baby was born, she would have had to leave afterward, because, like I said… you just can’t hide a baby.

But this is where I am so lost.  I mean….  don’t the Catholics know what Christmas is all about??  Am I am so uninformed that I am confused???  Because my understanding of things was that Jesus was born to all of us, that Jesus welcomed everyone , that he associated with people regardless of whether he agreed with them.  And I thought that when he died it was for everyone too.  Isn’t Christmas about love and acceptance?  I mean, I suppose the pope probably knows more than Charlie Brown and Dave Matthews…  but really?… it’s fucking super out of sync in my mind.  I’m trying to make a list of the values that Belmont University’s Catholic education must hold…  but given this story, I’m really at a loss.

Anyway…  ’tis the season I guess.

When I read a story like Lisa’s… I feel like Charlie Brown – is there no meaning to Christmas anymore?  But then I try and remember that each child is a gift to the world – and Lisa’s child too.  And every baby born changes the world in some fashion… And the more children born who are taught the values of acceptance and love, the more Charlie Brown’s spirit of Christmas will spread – and slowly, I truly believe, the hatred and fear will be smothered.

So I guess, when it comes to Christmas… I’m all about the message of Charlie Brown and Dave Matthews – and I’m not sure they aren’t a bit ahead of the Catholic Church here, even if they are commercial creations…

Merry Christmas Lisa….  all of my best wishes and love on the coming birth of your child… I know love.  And, though it might not seem that way now, when that baby is born, you will realize it is all around.

December 18, 2008

Scenes From an Italian Restaurant

Filed under: Agnosticism, Family, holidays, motherhood, parenting, politics, Spirituality, values — Tags: — saracallow @ 5:51 pm

Several months ago, I dined with family and friends in a little Italian restaurant in San Francisco.  It was a family run establishment, with the father roaming the restaurant singing, and his somewhat irreverent daughter managing the tables.  In my ongoing quest for spirituality, I find myself often replaying moments that seem to suggest a deeper meaning or some sort of rule to live by…. perhaps applicable outside of a specific faith or cultural environment.  And somehow, the little comments the waitress was just letting roll off her tongue – some even said sarcastically, seemed to resonate with me and my constantly re-evaluated philosophy for life.

During the course of the evening she had three little comments really hit home.  First, she said, “I don’t want to be bored.”  Amen to that, was my thought.  As a stay at home mom, I find that my life alternates between the utterly mundane (where I could scream and pull my hair out from boredom) to the completely unpredictable, unforgettable, and unimaginably wonderful.  Most of the time… life at home with little ones is a rollercoaster with the latter three twists and turns.  This is what I love about it.  There are funny, stressful, and emotional moments paired up with poignant ones where I close my eyes take a deep breath and try to savor every last drip of time.  Even the terrible moments can qualify in the time I love.  I am actually glad to be the person dealing with the stress of my children, because I love them so completely, that I trust my own reaction during those times far more than anyone else’s (that even includes my spouse!)  But interspersed with the part I love is the monotony of folding laundry, cleaning bathrooms, putting away dishes, driving the car around town, and grocery shopping.  Now every job has its ups and downs, but some of the boredom that can accompany life at home is overwhelming for me in a way that working never was.  So I really identified with her first statement.  Give me screaming, tears, laughter, hugs, or arguments any day over laundry.

The next little piece of wisdom out of our waitress’s mouth was, “I want a little of the bad.”  This could easily tie into the preference for the ups and downs over the boredom of laundry, but truthfully, I related this to excitement…. To the danger and joy I felt “cruising” in high school with the music on way too loud, to a bit of the experimentation that was part of my college experience…  spur of the moment road trips, dancing all night with virtual strangers, my belly button ring (now discarded), my contemplated tattoo, and a little bit of mary jane.  And truthfully, as my mind flashed over each moment that I bucked expectations and challenged the system a bit, I smiled.  Those were some of the best moments in my life – (pre-motherhood) – and while I have no desire to return to that risk-taking lifestyle of my late teens and early twenties, I’m certainly not sorry that I took risks during that time.   I hope that those experiences help me to retain my head when my children are teenagers – and while I don’t exactly hope they repeat all of my experiences, I guess I can appreciate that those experiences were not evil and in many ways helped me to figure out exactly who I am.  I suppose that I hope for my own children that they are able to find that “little of the bad” without sinking into a quagmire of trouble… and that as I try to keep them on the good path, I will recognize that not every step into the mud is life-threatening, career ending, or college failing – that indeed many of them teach us about our character, how to find joy in the everyday and unexpected, and how to let go of expectations sometime and just enjoy the ride.

The final little piece of wisdom out of our waitress’s mouth was, “kindness is a virtue”.  I believe that she actually was being sarcastic when she said this, mocking her father’s routine around the restaurant a bit… and truthfully, I didn’t really need her to say this one, because it is something my spouse and I have discussed many times.  With all of our questioning and uncertainty, kindness is the one value that we continually come back to.  Without a doubt, it is the number one quality we hope to teach our children.  It is not so different from the Christian “love thy neighbor as thyself” – a teaching of Jesus’ that I believe can be seen in virtually every action he takes in the Bible.  Kindness to our fellow citizen basically sums up what I expect from their behavior out in the world.  It influences my political values: Is it kind to exclude others from the institution of marriage, treat your environment poorly, deny citizenship or basic services to fellow humans based on birthplace, allow the elderly or poor to experience worse healthcare than the wealthy?  My answer is unequivocally no – and I hope that someday my children understand that kindness can be a lens through which nearly all actions can be viewed, and that they conduct themselves according to a similar value system.

It’s funny where wisdom comes from.  Being “Christmas season” – I’ve been studying and reading some of the Gospels of the Bible – trying to recognize what the good teachings are behind this holiday of excess (which is funny because I don’t really consider myself a Christian!)  But there are some really great principles in those books, and Jesus himself was a pretty phenomenal teacher…  but so too can be our fellow citizen, our waitress, the wallpaper in our house (as I’ve mentioned before.)  It’s a really great time of year to reflect on spirituality, what is meaningful, and all those tiny moments that are similar to my Italian restaurant.  As we head into this crazy season, I hope you’re able to find some time for peaceful reflection…  or even just a moment to stop and reflect on something that hits you just right amongst the chaos of carols, cookies, cards, packages, social obligations . . . .  (I know, the list can be endless!)

November 18, 2008

Shhhh… Don’t Tell.

Filed under: Agnosticism, Family, politics, Presidency, Religion, Spirituality, Uncategorized — saracallow @ 2:30 pm

My husband and I are new owners of an “old” house.  Since we have a couple of months before we have to move into our new old home, we have decided to work on some home improvement projects.  And, since we’re out of money, we’re doing most of the work ourselves.  I spent both days this weekend stripping textured wallpaper, circa 1970 from the walls. 

As I washed and rinsed the last of the layers of wallpaper glue away, I felt a little sad.  The layers signified a time gone by, and I could almost feel the ghosts of previous owners looking over my shoulder, telling me that they hung baby pictures of their children on these walls. I pictured a family in the home, a little boy chasing up and down the halls, a teenage girl preening in front of the mirror in the bathroom, dinner cooking in the now very outdated kitchen, mom and dad relaxing in the nearby living room.  As I washed away the last remnants of this previous era, it was an ending, and while I don’t know exactly who existed there long before me, I mourned their passing and paused to honor the memory of what might have been. 

And yet, in this ending is our beginning.  As I wash away of the old, I prepare for the new.  We will now leave our mark on the walls, hang our pictures, hear the laughter of our children.  There is something beautiful and spiritual right there, in the readying of the old wall for new paint.

It is, of course, akin to the natural cycle… to winter and the death of a previous season, and spring and rebirth of the next.  The maturation of the garden and enjoyment of ripe tomatoes off the vine which will soon wither and decompose under the leaves, contributing their vitamins and seed to the soil for the next growing season. 

I find a great deal of spirituality in nature, in the natural cycle – absent the “intelligent design” of God. I’m not convinced that God doesn’t exist…. but in moments of deep contemplation, I sometimes wonder why we need a diety for life to be spiritual and to have meaning.  Examining nature on its own, evolution with all of its flaws, starts and stops, and slow progression forward is enough to inspire deep humiliation in any being.  The need of all species to work in community, care for one another and their environment, and strive towards world peace in order to ensure simple survival is possible without involving God… and in fact, quite amazing on its own.

I find myself at this juncture of thoughts now and then, and I think, it should be depressing to contemplate a world without God.  But I don’t feel depressed, and so I test myself… what if I die, and there is no God, no heaven, no afterlife?  And truthfully, I find myself in a peaceful position… I think, I’d like a simple burial so that I can decompose back into the earth.  So that the energy from my cells can provide the garden for some future generation to find joy and sustenance in.  I feel a spiritual connection to this earth, and a reverence for my life here, and now… because it might be all that I have.  I have heard people claim that the true rewards await in heaven, that God’s home is more our rightful place than the one we occupy now, that love of God precedes that for our children, parents, partners.  I truthfully don’t know what to make of all of this.  What is the point of the here and now then?  Simply a preparation for some unknown reward?  That  feels depressing to me.

But please… keep this on the DL (down low for those not familiar with the acronym).  I wouldn’t want anyone to know that maybe God doesn’t govern my soul.  Could there be anything worse?  Everyone out there knows that absent a belief in God, a person is basically a walking soldier of Satan.  While I struggle to reconcile this view of non-believers with what I feel when I contemplate the inherent spirituality and goodness of nature it is clear to me how widely it permeates our society.

As a society we still value religiosity quite highly.  Can you imagine a Presidential candidate who admitted to questioning God?  Quite the opposite is true.  At this point, candidates go out of their way to identify themselves as religious.  We may have been willing to consider a Mormon, an African American and a woman as president this time around… but an atheist or agnostic?  No way.  It is this public denial of uncertainty that drives me a little nuts.  Where does this strength in belief come from?  How does everyone see the truth so clearly?  You know what else bothers me about the situation?  I spend a LOT of time contemplating this issue.  I grew up in a fairly religious family, I have studied the bible, attended confirmation classes and church, questioned and prayed.  And yet, the only thing I’m certain of, is how uncertain I am.  But finding those who admit great uncertainty is like searching for the proverbial needle in a haystack. 

I found a quote from Albert Einstein that I found quite interesting.  “What I see in Nature is a magnificent structure that we can comprehend only very imperfectly, and that must fill a thinking person with a feeling of humility.  This is a genuinely religious feeling that has nothing to do with mysticism.”  This feeling described by Einstein is the only certainty I have on the issue of God and religion.  I see it the wonders of nature in my garden, the changing seasons, and even wallpaper.  Absent this religious feeling… I guess I’m still questioning.

But shhhh… don’t tell.

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