Broken Corset

I had a great moment today towards the tail end of my run.  Did you know that when Lady Gaga sings Just Dance and I am running, I actually become a super hot 17 year old amazing dancer…. people are watching me, and I’m sexy?  It’s true….  I found that out today as I ran.

In truth, I think I believe that fantasy even more than I actually believe I am approaching 35 and the mother of three young children.  How weird is that?  Because I can tell you, that fantasy of the super hot 17 year old confident dancer was never even remotely true.  Yet somehow, that feels almost closer to me than my reality.

The part I don’t understand in this fantasy/reality paradox is why I feel so distant from the reality I love so much.  I actually love where I am in life, even if I struggle  some with the balance between motherhood and “me-ness”….

But I know I’m not turning 35.  I know that I didn’t graduate from college 12 years ago.  I mean, I’m still planning my halloween costume for the biggest party of the year!!  Or at least, it seems like that could be a possibility.

Somehow, I think, as a child I had this clear conception of my parents as older… and that affects me to this day as I reach ages I associate with “age”.  I guess maybe my parents weren’t so old after all – maybe they were cruising around to the Lady Gaga of their time picturing themselves as hot and sexy on the dance floor…. hmmm… that is just not a good image – parents and sex appeal just don’t go together.

What is it about parenthood that requires the perception of age?  I’m thinking that it is wrapped up in security perhaps.  For so long, we think that as long as our parents are there, we are safe.  There could have been a major catastrophe, but I’m pretty sure that as long as my parents could hold my hand or give me a hug, I’d have felt peace inside.  Perhaps this can only come about if you see them as older.

What’s amazing about parenthood though, is realizing that you are that sense of peace for your children.  When I consider that, even briefly, I feel an emotion filled sense of wonder.  I am that….  that safety, that calm, that everything will always be okay.  I am magic.  That is my actual reality.  And that is amazing.

Yep… Lady Gaga is fun, and being 17 and super hot is pretty great too.  Definitely a pick me up when exercising.  But it’s not too hard to figure out what is better in the fantasy/reality paradox.  I’ll take motherhood any day, even if it means I’m getting old.  Though in my head, sometimes, I’ll still be dancing….