Broken Corset

I’ve had several people ask me why I haven’t written on Judge Walker’s decision reversing Prop 8 in California.  Having been such a vocal opponent of Prop 8, and having written so personally about it here, it only seemed logical to my few remaining followers (since I now blog so infrequently!) that I would at least treat them to a celebratory entry.

I’ve been struggling with this, wanting to write, but having trouble putting words to my feelings.  Am I happy?  Of course.  I’m happy.  I keep telling myself that, and waiting for the elation to follow.  Yet somehow, I just feel deflated.  And so, I’ve struggled with what to say…. what to write here.

In a seemingly unrelated place today, I think I’ve found a bit of insight.

My earliest blog fans seemed to enjoy my essay on running and my use of music for inspiration.  I have actually avoided the subject of exercise in my blog for some time now as well –  because having finished the Couch to 5K program more than a year and a half ago, I basically fell off the exercise bandwagon completely.  This has been somewhat of a source of depression, because I want to be a person who exercises, but somehow, I continually make excuses instead of incorporating it into my life.

I became recently acquainted with a unique exercise regimen that I have decided to take on.  I suppose it can be customized to any person’s ability, but the idea for me is that I must run at least 1 mile a day for 100 days.  The concept being that by just making a small commitment to exercise in your day, every day, it will become habitual – you will learn the consistency of exercise, and perhaps even slowly increase your distance, though that’s not a requirement.  I decided almost immediately that this was the challenge for me….  100 days gets me 1/3 of the way through the year, exercising every day.  That will truly be a huge first for me.  And since right now I am capable of running a mile in about 11 minutes, it is a really small commitment of time….  There’s almost no way you can excuse yourself from 11 minutes of exercise a day…. especially when you have an elliptical sitting unused in your garage just waiting for you to try the “rainy day” excuse.  And I’m turning 35 this year, so this is going to be my present to myself….I am going to become consistent in caring for me.

As I’ve written before, the key for me with exercise is music….so I have already started reestablishing my running mix.  No Akon this time  — I’ve been enjoying a little Train, Vampire Weekend, Hellogoodbye, and Phoenix  (and I’m hiding the fact that there’s some Taylor Swift, Lady Gaga and Katy Perry in the mix too….I know, I’m practically a 15 year old girl with my music tastes, it is a bit embarrassing.)

Today, as I turned on my ipod while making dinner, and old favorite began to play….Tracy Chapman, Fast Car.  Is there anything much more hypnotizing than her voice?  I immediately thought of my running mix, and realized that there is just no way that Fast Car fits, no matter how much I love it…. it’s just too slow.

And here is where it comes, the connection – Judge Walker, Prop 8, 100 days, running and Tracy Chapman, (if I can make it for you….)

Sometimes, the slow path is what you have…. and because it’s what you have, it’s the best.  Which doesn’t mean that you can’t imagine a better way, it just means that you can’t have it.  I don’t really want to run 100 days in a row….I want to do a 10K tomorrow, I want to be a person who sticks with exercise easily.  But I’m not.  I have the 100 day plan, because that is what will bring success for me (I hope).

Judge Walker’s decision is what we have.  It’s the best that we could get.  But I can imagine something different.  I can imagine a world where Prop 8 never passed, where committed GLBT couples can have an expectation of acceptance….Where Judge Walker’s decision flipped a monumental switch and everything changed, and equality existed.  But it didn’t….it’s a long haul still.  The decision is on hold and the Supreme Court is probably going to weigh in.

And every day, people are falling in love, committing to each other, and having babies….and worrying about acceptance and whether or not the law will protect them.

I hear Tracy Chapman, and I want it to work….I want to fly away from this world to the one where this isn’t an issue for debate.  I want to do a 10K tomorrow, and I want Tracy to be part of the mix.  But instead, I have the 100 day challenge….the slow and steady path – 1 mile at a time.  And the truth is, Tracy doesn’t fit.  Eventually I’ll get to 100 miles and that will be quite a distance to have come.  And I know that eventually, equality will come too, and it will have come from much further than 100 miles.  And so Judge Walker’s decision is the best, because that is what we have…and I’m happy, really, I am.   And also, I’m sad.  Because I want a fast car….