Broken Corset

My husband and I are new owners of an “old” house.  Since we have a couple of months before we have to move into our new old home, we have decided to work on some home improvement projects.  And, since we’re out of money, we’re doing most of the work ourselves.  I spent both days this weekend stripping textured wallpaper, circa 1970 from the walls. 

As I washed and rinsed the last of the layers of wallpaper glue away, I felt a little sad.  The layers signified a time gone by, and I could almost feel the ghosts of previous owners looking over my shoulder, telling me that they hung baby pictures of their children on these walls. I pictured a family in the home, a little boy chasing up and down the halls, a teenage girl preening in front of the mirror in the bathroom, dinner cooking in the now very outdated kitchen, mom and dad relaxing in the nearby living room.  As I washed away the last remnants of this previous era, it was an ending, and while I don’t know exactly who existed there long before me, I mourned their passing and paused to honor the memory of what might have been. 

And yet, in this ending is our beginning.  As I wash away of the old, I prepare for the new.  We will now leave our mark on the walls, hang our pictures, hear the laughter of our children.  There is something beautiful and spiritual right there, in the readying of the old wall for new paint.

It is, of course, akin to the natural cycle… to winter and the death of a previous season, and spring and rebirth of the next.  The maturation of the garden and enjoyment of ripe tomatoes off the vine which will soon wither and decompose under the leaves, contributing their vitamins and seed to the soil for the next growing season. 

I find a great deal of spirituality in nature, in the natural cycle – absent the “intelligent design” of God. I’m not convinced that God doesn’t exist…. but in moments of deep contemplation, I sometimes wonder why we need a diety for life to be spiritual and to have meaning.  Examining nature on its own, evolution with all of its flaws, starts and stops, and slow progression forward is enough to inspire deep humiliation in any being.  The need of all species to work in community, care for one another and their environment, and strive towards world peace in order to ensure simple survival is possible without involving God… and in fact, quite amazing on its own.

I find myself at this juncture of thoughts now and then, and I think, it should be depressing to contemplate a world without God.  But I don’t feel depressed, and so I test myself… what if I die, and there is no God, no heaven, no afterlife?  And truthfully, I find myself in a peaceful position… I think, I’d like a simple burial so that I can decompose back into the earth.  So that the energy from my cells can provide the garden for some future generation to find joy and sustenance in.  I feel a spiritual connection to this earth, and a reverence for my life here, and now… because it might be all that I have.  I have heard people claim that the true rewards await in heaven, that God’s home is more our rightful place than the one we occupy now, that love of God precedes that for our children, parents, partners.  I truthfully don’t know what to make of all of this.  What is the point of the here and now then?  Simply a preparation for some unknown reward?  That  feels depressing to me.

But please… keep this on the DL (down low for those not familiar with the acronym).  I wouldn’t want anyone to know that maybe God doesn’t govern my soul.  Could there be anything worse?  Everyone out there knows that absent a belief in God, a person is basically a walking soldier of Satan.  While I struggle to reconcile this view of non-believers with what I feel when I contemplate the inherent spirituality and goodness of nature it is clear to me how widely it permeates our society.

As a society we still value religiosity quite highly.  Can you imagine a Presidential candidate who admitted to questioning God?  Quite the opposite is true.  At this point, candidates go out of their way to identify themselves as religious.  We may have been willing to consider a Mormon, an African American and a woman as president this time around… but an atheist or agnostic?  No way.  It is this public denial of uncertainty that drives me a little nuts.  Where does this strength in belief come from?  How does everyone see the truth so clearly?  You know what else bothers me about the situation?  I spend a LOT of time contemplating this issue.  I grew up in a fairly religious family, I have studied the bible, attended confirmation classes and church, questioned and prayed.  And yet, the only thing I’m certain of, is how uncertain I am.  But finding those who admit great uncertainty is like searching for the proverbial needle in a haystack. 

I found a quote from Albert Einstein that I found quite interesting.  “What I see in Nature is a magnificent structure that we can comprehend only very imperfectly, and that must fill a thinking person with a feeling of humility.  This is a genuinely religious feeling that has nothing to do with mysticism.”  This feeling described by Einstein is the only certainty I have on the issue of God and religion.  I see it the wonders of nature in my garden, the changing seasons, and even wallpaper.  Absent this religious feeling… I guess I’m still questioning.

But shhhh… don’t tell.