I’m thinking about divorce. Calling it quits. Ending my (nearly) ten-year marriage to my high-school sweetheart. I’m sure most of you are not surprised . . . how often is it that high-school love can weather the trials of adulthood – careers, mortgages, car payments, and in our case, three small children? If I go through with it, we will soon become only another tired cliché. Billy Joel’s Brenda and Eddie…. the naïve young couple who couldn’t make it through “real life”.
But stop singing the music for a minute. “Scenes From an Italian Restaurant” doesn’t quite cover it. I am more in love today with my sweetheart than I have been in the last ten years. The trials we have weathered thus far have been withstood, and I think we have emerged stronger, and more committed to each other. Yet recently, something changed. On May 15th of this year, the California Supreme Court struck down Proposition 22 - the voter pushed initiative to define marriage as between a man and woman…. And made gay marriage legal in California. In response, several conservative groups, who have actually been at work collecting signatures long before the Supreme Court ruling, have succeeded in placing a constitutional amendment on the ballot for November, which would prohibit same sex marriage. That’s where divorce comes in…
My husband and I have decided that we do not want to belong to an inherently discriminatory institution. We don’t want to take advantage of laws which place our relationship in a preferred group, and other committed couple’s in a group clearly defined as “less-than”. Up until this point, we have been able to justify belonging to the institution of marriage, despite a lack of federal support of same-sex couples – because it felt like things were changing. Massachusetts has changed its stance on marriage, and the Proposition 22 was making its way through the courts. We live in the bay area (no surprise there given our stance I suppose) – so it even feels like we are pseudo-participants in San Francisco’s challenge to the Proposition.
However, should our state, decided by voters, determine to enshrine civil marriage discrimination in our Constitution – the document against which the legality of law is determined – we would feel compelled to protest – and would not want to continue to be part of such an exclusive club.
Hopefully for our parents, who generationally seem to attach a great sense of security to the fact that we are “married” - things in California will go our way. The fear-mongering tactics from the Prop 22 campaign in 2000, which warned that marriage was under attack, and would become meaningless and more likely to fail if same-sex relationships were allowed to infect the institution, seem to resonate less with voters this time around. As time has passed, more and more rational citizens seem to realize that separate but equal never truly is, and that the greatest predictor of their own marriage’s success or failure is the quality of their own actions, not actually whether same sex couples are allowed to join the club. Also, demographics appear to be in our favor, as more young voters who grew up during an era where homosexuality is more understood, instead of hidden and feared have come of age, and now get an opportunity to cast their vote – many of them propelled to the polls by the likely Obama candidacy. Nonetheless, all predictions are for a very tight contest.
Still, I want to assure our families…. Very little will have changed for us should we get divorced. We will still be the same committed couple we are today. Just as many same-sex couples do, I will still call my sweetheart my husband…. Our children will still know that Mommy and Daddy are going to be together forever – I still plan to wear my rings. And maybe we’ll celebrate our divorce with a new marriage ceremony – just minus the civil documents…. Brenda and Eddie revised.
