The news that Sarah Palin is resigning is a surprise… and my guess is there is NO WAY it is innocent preparation for the presidency OR to allow her state better governance. It’s Friday, right before a Holiday weekend, and Michael Jackson’s funeral is generally expected to be scheduled on Tuesday… What better time to bury something in the news cycle? Of course, I’m hoping for a scandal… as I’ve written here before, she’s about the last woman women need. Goodbye Sarah, sorry to say, I won’t miss you!
July 3, 2009
June 21, 2009
Tonight, I’m looking for a tower, where I can hide away the ones I love the most.
I watched her from behind… my 7 year old, as she stood next to our blow up back yard pool and told her daddy exactly how important it was that we have ice cream after dinner. Her body language conveyed she was not to be moved, despite the chill in the air and the goosebumps on her naked body. She had been readying for a bath, when Daddy teased her that maybe tonight wasn’t ice cream night after all. I’m sure she was aware he was teasing, but on the off chance he wasn’t, she followed him right back outside. As she made her point the stark whiteness of her rear end was nearly as strong a contrast to her tanned skin as her pointed delivery was to her father’s laughter. It was a beautiful moment. My daughter’s innocence and conviction coupled together in a single argument for ice cream.
Earlier today, I found out my fifteen year old niece received straight A’s for her second semester of highschool. She gleefully posted her accomplishment on Facebook, and had quickly received feedback from several friends. “Congratulations! ha ha ha,” one such friend replied. “ha ha ha?” What happened to just, “Congratulations!” Why do all my niece’s friends end their posts with “ha ha ha” as if nothing they have to say should ever be taken seriously? Why do they trivialize their own thoughts?
Once, these 15 year olds were perfect and innocent too. But the world grabbed hold, and massaged, sanded, and chipped away at the edges of their persons, until now, at 15 – their 7 year old selves are hard to recognize – so smooth and homogeneous are all their exteriors.
Of course, the tower didn’t work for Rumpelstiltskin, and I have no illusions that I could ever keep my child separate from society…. nor would I really want to. Life is for living – and there are so many experiences she needs to have to grow into the amazing adult I feel she is destined to be. And even right now, in the midst of my melancholy, I can admit that most of the 15 year olds out there will grow a little more, and learn to stand a little taller, leaving behind the “ha ha’s” and hopefully figuring out what they believe in – taking back some of sharper edges society once stole.
But tonight, as I head to bed, I think how sad it will be to say goodbye to the days when we are the only influence that matters. When our love is enough to conquer all the demons. When ice cream is worth fighting for, even when naked. Tonight, I don’t want to let my 7 year old go. It hurts to imagine it. And there is no “ha ha ha” after that… only a few tears.
June 5, 2009
It’s been said, and better than I could have said it…
Hopefully, for those of you who follow abortion politics, this link will take you to Judith Warner’s NY Times Blog, Domestic Disturbances. You may have to have a subscription to view it.
http://warner.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/06/04/george-tiller/?8ty&emc=ty
June 3, 2009
I’m not alone.
“It’s nice to know, I’m not alone,” says the Facebook status update of an old friend. This, in response to a series of comments on her earlier status update regarding the constant mess of children and clean-up by those who care for them.
Not an earth shattering revelation, I know. But a telling comment on social networking sites like Facebook. I love Facebook. And while I haven’t joined all those twittering out there, I understand why they love to tweet. It’s about connection, reaffirmation, and community. In the modern society of technology, working moms, and over-scheduled kids, it isn’t often that we stop and share the drudgery of life with each other.
Women especially suffer in this modern world. Work environments are often still dominated by men – if not always in sheer numbers, usually in cultural practices. Mothers working in the home spend more time shuttling children between activities than chatting with the neighbor. Grandmothers are often out of town, state or country. Our support system has eroded… and yet women still do most of the work of childraising, cooking and cleaning that keep a household moving. But who is there to share the pitiful moments… to tell you that their kids scream too… or their house is messy most of the time as well? No one. Instead, you have glossy magazines and carefully crafted shows that make working, having children, maintaining a beautiful home and providing delicious dinners (without gaining a pound!) seem simple. Why can’t you keep up for goodness sake??
That’s how you feel… until you put something out there on Facebook or Twitter… and the comments come rolling in. Suddenly, from all across the country, your friends and family are telling you it’s the same in their house. And you’re not alone. What did women do without this tool? It’s group therapy, support, and reaffirmation all rolled into one. It’s the menstrual hut of tribal societies… minus the blood and forced seclusion.
Don’t hide your failings, your terrible moments. Stop pretending to live in a glossy magazine spread. Tweet the worst that you have – or slap it up there on your Facebook status. Social networking will do more to realign the expectations mass media has skewed and the isolation the modern world imposes than anything before. I’m not alone and neither are you.
May 27, 2009
The More Things Change…
My spouse and I have been watching Mad Men… recommended to us by his man crush, The Sports Guy. (I really MUST do a whole post some time on the influence a single columnist has over my spouse… “The Sports Guy” is definitely the other woman in this relationship).
In any case, Mad Men is set in the early 1960’s in the Madison Avenue advertising world. Now, as the daughter of a women’s libber and a gay man, I was raised without much preconception for gender roles. Probably more so than most people my age. Nonetheless, I would guess that nearly any woman of my generation would be shocked to see the role women play in the show. They are disposable…potential great rides or cars that need tune-ups. Clearly, things have changed in the last 50 years.
And yet, I simultaneously wonder how different they really are. After Michelle Obama’s controversial misstep on “pride”, several sources tell she’s been carefully controlling her image – Crafting herself into everyone’s dream mom…. dog walker, child raiser, organic gardener, clear supporter of her husband’s agenda. Hmmmm…. why does this remind me of the women on Mad Men? I find it a bit maddening…. though I credit her intelligence, as her approval ratings have done a complete 180. Still, this woman is part of why I voted for the man…. and I certainly wasn’t considering her organic gardening qualifications (and I’m even a composting / organic gardener - but come on!)
And yet… there is something to things staying the same that isn’t all bad. The “telephone line through time” as the Indigo Girls would say. I’ve been reading Tolstoy lately… Anna Karenina. It’s shocking to me how on the mark a man writing in the 1870’s in Russia can be in regards to some of my feelings as a woman and mother. And it is affirming and comforting to know that much is as it was… more than a hundred years later and across continents.
Do we ever really make progress? We moved from legal discrimination of blacks to legal discrimination of gays… and one day soon, that will be gone too. But we’ll find someone else to oppress…. and even with progression (like that of women) – how long does it take before our secretly held, deep-seated beliefs actually change – and someone like Michelle Obama can stop carefully crafting herself into a 1960’s version of a 2009 woman?
I guess I’m relieved I didn’t work in the 60’s… at least not on Madison Avenue… So that’s part of my answer. But progress isn’t always what it seems either. Maybe it’s the two steps forward, one step back phenomenon. It’s frustrating, to say the least….
April 1, 2009
Mucking About in the Pond
I submitted my application to continue my graduate studies two nights ago. My application scooted in just under the deadline, and I’m still waiting on the arrival of my transcripts. As I’ve considered starting back to school part time, and the major commitment and sacrifice such an endeavor requires, I have constantly vacillated back and forth over whether it’s the right decision or not.
I find that when I’m at home with the kids, focused on life here, I enjoy it very much. I like to cook, help in the classroom, hear the April fool’s jokes, hug, help with homework, and watch soccer practice. (If I could offload the laundry, I’d be happier). But the truth is, I’m content here in the home, I feel lucky to be here.
When I was in school, one year ago, working part time on a Master’s degree, I loved the challenge of reading new material, discussing it in class, and even writing the term papers most students dread. I began to dream about going on for a PhD, doing important research, and headlining conferences! 
(Oh, what a small ego I apparently have!)
Today, I read my son a story called Eliza and the Dragonfly. Eliza is a young girl who cannot wait to grow up, and as she looks a the young dragonfly nymph, still swimming in the pond, she worries that he will not know when it is his time to take flight. Her aunt responds by saying, “Eliza, a dragonfly nymph doesn’t worry about when it will grow up and become a dragonfly. It doesn’t wish it could fly or be more beautiful than it already is. It just mucks about in the pond, being itself. Then it wakes up one morning with wings.”
The wisdom of children’s books. This is not even close to the first time that I felt more inspired and touched by a children’s author than the gospel itself.
Clearly, this explanation speaks to me today. It probably speaks to me almost every day. But today, as I muck about in the pond, and worry about what steps to take moving forward, I envy the dragonfly. And initially, I think, “Yes, that is the answer. Contentment where you are… no need to move forward, no worry for the future.” And there IS wisdom in that concept.
But it isn’t complete… because we aren’t the dragonfly nymph, and our wings won’t sprout of their own accord. So if we dream of taking flight some day, we may have to do some preparation. The answer I believe, lies in finding contentment in the pond while we are there… to prepare, and grow, and plan, but to appreciate mucking about in the pond.
Today, I hosted three “playdates”, drove six children (not all my own) a variety of locations, folded 6 baskets of laundry, swept the floor 3 times, taught the dog to fetch, met with other moms to prepare a presentation at the elementary school tomorrow, made breakfast, lunch, and dinner, and did the dishes – and had a fabulous time mucking about in the pond.
But I won’t mind growing some either. It’s not all bad to do some preparation… when you’re planning to take flight – and it doesn’t have to take away from the joy of mucking about in the pond. And my husband can do the laundry.
February 20, 2009
Thanks to Dear Abby
I almost hate to admit it, but the truth is, I’ve probably read more words in Dear Abby columns than in all other written sources combined. Well, maybe that’s an exaggeration when you consider the length of the average Dear Abby column. And yet, up until my move to Northern California a year ago, where I’ve chosen to receive a newspaper that doesn’t carry the column, I’d been a devoted Dear Abby reader since about 8 years of age. It was my favorite morning activity as a child, getting MY part of the newspaper. I would eagerly seek out Abby and Ann Landers every morning as my parents enjoyed their coffee and the front page. Through the letters and advice I became acquainted with the marriage concerns, budget woes, child rearing issues, neighborly complaints, etiquette dos and don’ts and pet peeves of the average American. I also became well acquainted with the generally common sense approach to problems that both authors advocated.
I even remember my great disappointment when somewhere during my later elementary school years one of two famous sisters came to speak in our small Montana town, and I didn’t get to go. They were, in my mind, the people with the best answers to everything.
A friend pointed out the Dear Abby column from today (2/20) to me and I was happy to read its support of my views of the church/state separation in regards to marriage equality. It is heartening to think that across the country, 8 year olds like me are being exposed to a common sense dialogue on this issue.
I don’t think I’ve even done an update on our approach to marriage since the passage of Prop. 8, so here it is…
After careful contemplation and research following the passage of Proposition 8, my husband and I elected not to officially divorce. Truthfully, it would have been our preference to end our participation in civil marriage while it remains a discriminatory institution, and I applaud anyone who has chosen such a course. However, in our tight financial situation, with Domestic Partnerships open only to same gendered couples, we didn’t find ourselves able to protect our family and children adequately without the benefits conveyed by legal marriage. (As Doctor Laura would probably HATE to hear me say, I am my children’s mother!)However, while it may be a small protest, we have stopped wearing our wedding rings. We decided that at the least, we would not continue to publicly designate ourselves as “married”. We would not wear a symbol of the discriminatory institution that is readily seen and acknowledged as a statement of participation in the exclusionary institution. And we will continue to do our part to spread the message that church marriage and civil marriage should be separate institutions. Anything less chooses one religious viewpoint over another, and leaves little protection of religious freedom for ALL of us.
Thanks Dear Abby.
It’s Been a Bit…
But (hopefully) I’m back to writing. I hate to even commit in my current life, having just moved and adopted a puppy. But I love writing, and I think I am a little bit happier and healthier when I’m doing it… so I’m back (at least I think!)
December 18, 2008
Scenes From an Italian Restaurant
Several months ago, I dined with family and friends in a little Italian restaurant in San Francisco. It was a family run establishment, with the father roaming the restaurant singing, and his somewhat irreverent daughter managing the tables. In my ongoing quest for spirituality, I find myself often replaying moments that seem to suggest a deeper meaning or some sort of rule to live by…. perhaps applicable outside of a specific faith or cultural environment. And somehow, the little comments the waitress was just letting roll off her tongue – some even said sarcastically, seemed to resonate with me and my constantly re-evaluated philosophy for life.
During the course of the evening she had three little comments really hit home. First, she said, “I don’t want to be bored.” Amen to that, was my thought. As a stay at home mom, I find that my life alternates between the utterly mundane (where I could scream and pull my hair out from boredom) to the completely unpredictable, unforgettable, and unimaginably wonderful. Most of the time… life at home with little ones is a rollercoaster with the latter three twists and turns. This is what I love about it. There are funny, stressful, and emotional moments paired up with poignant ones where I close my eyes take a deep breath and try to savor every last drip of time. Even the terrible moments can qualify in the time I love. I am actually glad to be the person dealing with the stress of my children, because I love them so completely, that I trust my own reaction during those times far more than anyone else’s (that even includes my spouse!) But interspersed with the part I love is the monotony of folding laundry, cleaning bathrooms, putting away dishes, driving the car around town, and grocery shopping. Now every job has its ups and downs, but some of the boredom that can accompany life at home is overwhelming for me in a way that working never was. So I really identified with her first statement. Give me screaming, tears, laughter, hugs, or arguments any day over laundry.
The next little piece of wisdom out of our waitress’s mouth was, “I want a little of the bad.” This could easily tie into the preference for the ups and downs over the boredom of laundry, but truthfully, I related this to excitement…. To the danger and joy I felt “cruising” in high school with the music on way too loud, to a bit of the experimentation that was part of my college experience… spur of the moment road trips, dancing all night with virtual strangers, my belly button ring (now discarded), my contemplated tattoo, and a little bit of mary jane. And truthfully, as my mind flashed over each moment that I bucked expectations and challenged the system a bit, I smiled. Those were some of the best moments in my life – (pre-motherhood) – and while I have no desire to return to that risk-taking lifestyle of my late teens and early twenties, I’m certainly not sorry that I took risks during that time. I hope that those experiences help me to retain my head when my children are teenagers – and while I don’t exactly hope they repeat all of my experiences, I guess I can appreciate that those experiences were not evil and in many ways helped me to figure out exactly who I am. I suppose that I hope for my own children that they are able to find that “little of the bad” without sinking into a quagmire of trouble… and that as I try to keep them on the good path, I will recognize that not every step into the mud is life-threatening, career ending, or college failing – that indeed many of them teach us about our character, how to find joy in the everyday and unexpected, and how to let go of expectations sometime and just enjoy the ride.
The final little piece of wisdom out of our waitress’s mouth was, “kindness is a virtue”. I believe that she actually was being sarcastic when she said this, mocking her father’s routine around the restaurant a bit… and truthfully, I didn’t really need her to say this one, because it is something my spouse and I have discussed many times. With all of our questioning and uncertainty, kindness is the one value that we continually come back to. Without a doubt, it is the number one quality we hope to teach our children. It is not so different from the Christian “love thy neighbor as thyself” – a teaching of Jesus’ that I believe can be seen in virtually every action he takes in the Bible. Kindness to our fellow citizen basically sums up what I expect from their behavior out in the world. It influences my political values: Is it kind to exclude others from the institution of marriage, treat your environment poorly, deny citizenship or basic services to fellow humans based on birthplace, allow the elderly or poor to experience worse healthcare than the wealthy? My answer is unequivocally no – and I hope that someday my children understand that kindness can be a lens through which nearly all actions can be viewed, and that they conduct themselves according to a similar value system.
It’s funny where wisdom comes from. Being “Christmas season” – I’ve been studying and reading some of the Gospels of the Bible – trying to recognize what the good teachings are behind this holiday of excess (which is funny because I don’t really consider myself a Christian!) But there are some really great principles in those books, and Jesus himself was a pretty phenomenal teacher… but so too can be our fellow citizen, our waitress, the wallpaper in our house (as I’ve mentioned before.) It’s a really great time of year to reflect on spirituality, what is meaningful, and all those tiny moments that are similar to my Italian restaurant. As we head into this crazy season, I hope you’re able to find some time for peaceful reflection… or even just a moment to stop and reflect on something that hits you just right amongst the chaos of carols, cookies, cards, packages, social obligations . . . . (I know, the list can be endless!)
December 12, 2008
Great Interview of Mike Huckabee
If you haven’t seen this, you should. I’m generally a Daily Show fan, but I missed this one. Thanks to one of my facebook friends for calling it to my attention.
